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If it were the early 90s, and I were Jerry Seinfeld, right about now, I'd be standing up against a brick wall, with the sleeves of my brightly-hued Comedy Blazer rolled up ever so jauntily, and querying my audience, "So what's the deal with these 'sexy' Halloween costumes?"

But seriously - what IS the deal with that? A girl can't just be, say, a Girl Scout. She's got to be a Sexy Girl Scout, or a Sexy Cavewoman or a Sexy Wetnurse to get all the candy she's due. My revenge this year? Sexy Eleanor Roosevelt. The boys will be begging me to slip my bluestockings back on.

College Humor has a l'il treat for your goodie bag in the form of this "Girls's Costume Warehouse" parody ad. "Sexy 1900s Steel Conglomerate Tycoon," indeed!

Wherein an innocent pumpkin gets totally jacked.

Consider the pumpkin — growing peacefully, orangely, big-ly in a patch amongst his curcubit brethren until the fateful day when he is cruelly plucked and chucked into the cold, grey world of the suburbs. But that's not where his seedy story ends — oh no...

Just in the nick of Halloween, Aaron Yonda (of Chad Vader fame) brings us this cutting-edge profile of a pie-eyed young pumpkin who carves out a niche for himself. Or, rather, has it carved out FOR him. Muahhh-ha-ha-ha!!!

Ta-ta for now. Ta-tas for later.

Betty's got a big problem — or, actually two big problems. Puberty's come knockers, uh, knocking at her front door, and problems with her school chums are running tit-for-tat. Will she be able to talk to her dad and get a couple of things off her chest, or will getting him abreast of the situation just be a bust?

Comedy ensemble Better Than The Machine's "After Sketch Special" dares to ask the question, "Are you there, God? It's me, Betty. Now why in the world did you give me gigantic, scary clown boobs?"

If you were a cat, wouldn't you wanna hump my hat?

From the distressingly fertile imaginations of NYC downtown puppet-rock superstars Uncle Jimmy's Dirty Basement comes "Wearing the Hat That the Cat Humped". It's a touching (or maybe not so much "touching" as "humping" or "groping with bared claws") tale of a love that dare not meow its name — the love between a randy feline, and his master's fuzzy-wuzzy chapeau.

It's purr-fectly tasteless, but I double-dog dare ya to try to keep from humming it at work/school/church tomorrow. This cat will OWN your tongue.

These nubile young goodniks are glad, rad, and totally safe to know!

Looking for red-hot library fine paying antics? Hungry for A++ report card action from sensible-icious young co-eds? The bodaciously well-behaved babes of Komic Sutra are here to tantalize your granny pants with Girls Gone Responsible!

Pandas. They'll eat your face, and then chow on your baby sister's spleen for afternoon snackies.

Pandas have enjoyed a free ride on the Awwwww! Express for way too florfin' long, and CuteWithChris.com thinks it's high time for the gnarly, toddler-mauling truth to be exposed. Yes, they're cute, and sure, they're all, like, stuffed animal-come-to-life pwecious with the slow moving and the leaf munching, but you know what they'd rather be munching on?

Yeah, that's right. Given half a chance, sweet Mr. Panda Pants will totally pull the Pandamobile up to a drive-thru and order a 12-piece McYourFace meal super-sized with a 32oz YourBlood to wash it all down.

You've been warned.

Laura finds Thomas's proposal a l'il bit cheesy. Now why might that be?

We'd all like to think that we're tolerant, magnanimous people who could easily see beyond petty, physical flaws. Snookiepie's got a fuzzy-wuzzy monobrow? Deal-with-able. Cuddlenumpkins has spmething of a junk-laden trunk? More to love. But, say, your one, true snorgleblopkins sits you down, takes your hand in his/hers, gazes soulfully into your eyes and announces that he/she is, in fact, one thousand mice in a human costume — and they love you.

Sketch comedy troupe Elephant Larry rats out one young swain who's spun a convincing tail or two...or ten...or...

Okay, seeing as this blog all spankity new, and thus no one has been much with the Asking of the Questions yet, we'll go with Fortuitously Anticipated Questions.

1. The categories. What mean they?

18+: It gots the naughty, naughty words, and we don't want to see you get fired/banned from the library/punched by someone's mom. Especially if we don't get to film it.

Cartoon: Somebody drawed it.

Monkeymonkey: Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey. Monkey.

Music Video: Like they used to show on that one channel before they just started focusing on drunken bikini trollops shaking their bottoms at Spring Break and Ashton Kucher pointing and laughing at celebrities because he filled their sock drawers with rabid voles.

Parody: It's a thing that pokes fun at another thing by being like that thing, only funnier. Or something.

Random Moment: Apropos of very little, but funny as heck. Must everything mean something? Why does it have to be that way with you? Can't you just enjoy the moment? Is it because I look fat in these culottes? Why can't you just love me for who I am?

Short Film: Like a long film, only less long.

Sketch: "Comedians" make the "funny" on the "stage" or "screen". Not so much stand-up, as a narrative arc with a beginning, middle and end. At least that's the theory.

Speakers On: If you're not listening loudly, you're only getting half the laughs.

2. Virginia, you seem nice, and vaguely as if you might not hit me. Would you go to the prom with me?

Awww! I'm sure you're very sweet, and not at all socially awkward or pustule ridden, but I don't think my boyfriend would be all that thrilled about it.

3. Virginia, will you pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease look at my interweb video and post about it?

Possibly.

4. Or maybe be my very bestest MySpace pal?

Sure. Why not?