Oh yea and verily, such woe shall befall any who seek to deprive this unholy twain of their crumpets and kidney pies. They will totally just up and hex the spotted dick right out of you!

They're not kidding around, baby! Minor things make a major impact when it comes to coupling up, and this matchmaking service puts the harm in "harmony".

It turns out that all Eminem songs, when deconstructed, are essentially about the same half-dozen subjects. Surprisingly enough, none of those things are Valtrex.

I've never fully understood why e-mail solicitations for boner pills, penny stocks and creams for sundry body parts so frequently include passages of semi-fantastical text, but such linguistic discombobbetry does not trouble The Brothers McLeod as their Spamland series employs said text as the basis of frightfully delightful animations. Sadly, though, that still doesn't help me with the inadequate quantity and velocity of my ejaculate.

Ohmygod! Did you see who Sandy brought to the dance? Her date is, like, a MAJOR dog! And he totally has two left feet.

I thought I was the only one whose dreams were crushed when Mississippi upheld its ban on human/fantastical creature marriage. Turns out I was mythtaken.

Stuckey and Murray present a tender ballad about a sensitive young swain who brings "horny" to an epic level.

Unless you had some sort of freakishly charmed childhood devoid of petty bullying, cruel cliquery and ambient angst-causers, chances are you'd kill for a chance to hop into the way-way-thwack machine and punch someone's lights out. Well, you can't — but the Time Thugs will do the deed for pretty close to dirt cheap.

Millennial etiquettistas Don't Be That Guy have ventured deep into social egregion central to observe the modern Homonid Cellularis in its natural environment. Taxonomical hilarity ensues.

Should you happen to be entertaining the possibility of ogling Mr. Wilson's attractive teenage daughter, you should first be made aware that there are some risks attached. For instance, the distinct possibility that should you vex her in any way, Daddy's sooooo gonna Biff you up real bad.

So we've all had a titter or ten at the expense of the corporate d-bag du jour co-opting U2's "One" for the sake of the bankerati, yes? Seems David Cross and The Smiths/Modest Mouse's Johnny Marr have a l'il dignity withdrawl to make as well.



And in an only marginally more painful verité demo of company Kool-Aidism, top execs at Tazers get the shocker. (Uh - not like *that*.)

And also on the rampant toolbaggery front:

Ernst & Young hires a boy band.

Price Waterhouse Cooper attempts the real-keeping.

Sarbanes Oxley will make you believe you have a soul — but only as you wince from the pain of its demise.

Sixth graders The O'Debra Twins have come to the Big Apple in search of Halloween treats, but are coming up with empty sacks. Is NYC the candy wonderland they'd imagined it to be, or have the tricks been turned on them?