Pandas are so unbelievably adorable that one could break into my home, knife me in the spleen, eat all my imported truffle oil, and wet-hump my teddy bear, and I'd still be all "Awwwwwww!" before I tazered it into submission and turned it into the cutest ottoman EVER.

Had I not with the help of a therapist successfully blocked out all memories of junior high, I'd probably remember how it was always kind of weird to run into teachers outside of school, because it made me have to think that they might have an actual LIFE or something.

Turns out — not so much.

(And for top fun, Google one of your former teachers today. If you're as lucky as I am, you'll find out that one of them released a critically-panned lesbian folk album, and that yes, your married biology teacher was TOTALLY banging the guidance counselor, 'cause he knocked her up and moved in. Schweeeet!)

Ben Lerman is Moled over by Anderson Cooper's patrician pundrity, and (with a li'il help from Elvis Costello) he'll do CNN-ything to prove his devotion is Vanderbilt to last.

Sorry for all the 18+ content lately. Here's a baby monkey falling asleep.

Sometimes a car is just a car. Sometimes a car is a frightfully expensive external manifestation of a man's angst over the inadequacy of his genitalia. Sometimes a man can't afford a sufficiently impressive automotive phallic proxy and just has to settle for the next best thing.

Soooooooo not safe for work unless, like, you intern for a House Rep office — in which case you'll just get in trouble if you don't share it with your boss.

If you ass me probing questions,
I won't slip you any lies —
Butt, I'll need to be upfront, hon,
'Bout what's between my thighs.

It may be a bit alarming
It may come as quite a shock
But truth's not what'll be bending
When I'm strapping on my...


Um, just watch the video.

(click for free iTunes podcast of Swappin' Heads)



Trusting Adam Arkin with major surgical procedures because he's played a doctor on TV makes just about as much sense as hiring Mark Foley as your librarian based on his experience flipping pages. That doesn't keep this duo of doofii from sticking their necks out for each other in the name of friendship.

We can only hope that auteur Tamara Federici doesn't take it upon herself to film a Hershey Highway vignette. Or at least that she lets us have first crack at it.

In an office...

where they've moved his desk four times already this year...

one man will risk it all...

for the love...

of a stapler.

Office Space: Milton's Revenge

Shhh! We've replaced these girls' usual brand of anonymous makeout partners with a pair of primates. Let's see if they can tell the difference. Uh, the girls. Not the monkeys. The monkeys aren't blindfolded, so they totally know.

Oh calloo callay, oh happy day! Everybody's favorite pie-obsessed eggs are back, and they're bringing a buttload of filo dough with 'em — not to mention a jaunty l'il goove that juuuust might catch on big-time.