Like your faux news with a bit of a bite? SharkBaby's your new chum.

We all have our preferred ways of celebrating the yearly anniversary of our arrival on this earth. For many, it's cake, punch and pals. For me, it's a bottle of Jim Beam, a rusty potato peeler, and the stirring song stylings of Mr. John Ashcroft. And our pal Top Dog? He just needs a l'il loving to get him over the hump.

Sure, it's not unthinkable that a glandularly-challenged 13-year old with no friends, a newly dead mother, and an accelerated aging cycle would look to cake for solace. It's just not especially often that cake looks back.

The only way this soiree could get any more awkward would be if, like, someone's mom and dad showed up with an album full of their junior high band camp photos, passed them around, and then had red-hot Criscoed-up naked monkey love time over the ottoman in front of all their friends.

Sure, what the hay? Saddle up and ride with Chuck and his posse, and see just how long you can keep stable.

Monkey? Shmonkey! These socks don't need no steenkin' primate pusses to wow the crowd. They'll just bag 'em with their powerful pipes.

Andrew Gurland has some ill-fated spectacles, a rather unfortunate sense of timing with his African-American brethren, and a far-fetched conspiracy theory involving all of the above. Luckily, he's also in possession of an awfully swell knack for storytelling.

They came first for my tonsils,
and I didn't speak up because I totally got those out when I was a kid.
Then they came for my adenoids,
and I didn't speak up because those came out at the same time.
Then they came for my spleen,
Unfortunately, I had one of those...

So - ya think you have the chops to play Meatopoly, or are you just a little chicken? Look - I don't have any beef with you in particular, but if you try to make me look like a turkey, you'd better either duck, or take it on the lamb.

Today's imponderable: If a P.R. dude voluntarily gets Tasered and is out cold for a minute or a two so he can't write a press release about it — will anyone know it happened?

Craig is an outdoor wilderness survival guy, and he wants to show you how to be one, too. Craig also lives with his mom. Craig hurts his groin. A lot.



(Nope, it's *not* the guy who played Kip in Napoleon Dynamite, though it would be perfectly natural for you to think that. I promise - I looked it up.)