Read This or Die

A story on Yahoo News relates that western China is fighting a plague of rodents by using " 'hot-shot' eagles and foxes" [emphasis mine; ridiculous description of animals theirs].

From my research, I discovered that the original Chinese authority in charge of handling this infestation was at first going to use what he described as "ear to the grindstone, working class" eagles and foxes. "You know, the kind of eagle or fox who knows his place, won't make any waves." The failure of that plan led to his discharge and the subsequent hiring of his old rival from Top Gun Rodent Control Academy, whose name translates to Maverick Great Many Loose Cannon Joy Time...or MavGreMenLooCanJoyTim for short. MavGreMenLooCanJoyTim was of course the one to set in motion the latest plan but was unavilable for a quote due to his participation in a homoerotic volleyball tournament.

However, such simple solutions usually have complex consequences. While eagles and foxes may seem like a blessing now, one day the Chinese will find themselves in a very familiar predicament, complaining about a rampant eagle and fox infestation. And then with what super predator will they solve that problem? It would have to be more agile, more intelligent, faster, and more terrifying hunter than either an eagle or a fox...but unleashing a creature like that would be unthinkable. And considering that Man has never been known for his prudent and conservative use of science as a weapon, I fear it is only a matter of time before the Chinese set loose the dreaded jet-powered Trebekian Spider Shark.

Question: What you should be doing for if you are caught by a jet-powered Trebekian Spider Shark.
Answer: What is praying it kills you quickly?

The "RUNNING SCARED" lunchbox.


Relive the hijinx of Chicago P.O.'s Ray Hughes and Danny Costanzo with every trip to the cafeteria. Next time a bully picks on you, start singing Michael MacDonald's "Sweet Freedom" at the top of your lungs and then read him his rights...but with that patented RUNNING SCARED cheekiness, "You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a coroner. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you."
Shine sweet freedom, indeed!

The "A Celebration of Backgammon" lunch box.

Your days of being the periphery of attention are over! By sporting the powerfully aphrodisiacal image of a backgammon board on your lunchbox, you've all but consumated the act of getting to first base. But wait...open it up so she or he can see the thermos with a giant checker for a screw-top, and, well, let's just say you'll be taking the afterschool bus home. Cause chances are, with this lunchbox, you'll have earned enough pips to occupy his/her blot all afternoon long...or until your mom shows up. BACKGAMMON!

"Old People: The Lunchbox"

All the fun of the elderly every lunch hour!

We're used to seeing elderly people IN boxes, not on the covers of them. Well, the new "OLD PEOPLE" lunchbox gets all up in your face with its firm stance on Lean Cuisines (pro), its unwaveringly cool attitude about naps, and the always popular and wicked sweet "shawl" look! Now at lunch, you can eat like a real kid or pretend to be old and just "take a few bites" and excuse yourself to go watch the PGA Masters Tournament.

"GLORY DAYS" lunchbox.

Complete with Shattered Dreams thermos shaped like a real business-lunch martini glass!

The "Sean Crespo Will Teach You Webslinging" lunch box.

Sean's obsession with Spiderman comes full circle with his own line of must-have cafeteria paraphenalia.

The lunchbox is also now available with nap-time "Sean and Melinda break-up"-themed quilt for younger students, featuring Sean's other non-Spiderman obsession, his ex-girlfriend Melinda. Downy soft from the cotton-tear blend of fabric used in its manufacturing, there's no subsititute. There's only one so hurry up and order.

So I ran into my pal John Mulaney (who by the way describes himself on myspace by saying, "I am a comedian and rat-bastard living in New York.") at an audition today. It was for some spot involving a "kooky" office guy, a megaphone, and repeated, forced hugging of a very understanding actress. Riveting stuff.

Anyway, I had brought with me a copy of the NY TIMES and had been reading a front page obituary titled "Brooke Astor, Wry Aristocrat of the People, Is Dead at 105."

Beside the fact that few if any socialites are ever described as "of the people" let alone "wry," John and I were having a hoot discussing the Astor family history. It turns out the Astors made their initial money from fur trading. I think our shared thought was that "fur trading" was such an anachronistic path to wealth, the Times may as well have said that the Astors made their original fortune in, well, steam.

Photo by Mindy Tucker, drinkatwork.com's resident photomancer.

John and I then had a fun conversation (that I think went pretty much like this) where we pretended to be an interviewer speaking to the heir to the "(insert wealthy sounding name) Steam Billions."

"So your family made its fortune in steam?"

"No it isn't, is it?"




So that was fun.