Well, what a surprise there!

You know this wouldn't have happened if the hurricane had been named, as it and all powerful storms should always be named--after the more powerful of the human gender, Man--HURRICANE GABRIEL! Why? Because the name Gabrielle is the feminine version of GABRIEL, a Biblical name. Remember that in the Bible, GABRIEL is known as God's left-hand, an arch angel who delivered messages and death to earthly dwellers! Gabriel delivered DEATH, people! Not curtains! Not faberge eggs! Not tips on how to beat bath-tub mould! All of which are jobs for a woman, say, maybe one named GABRIELLE!

All I am saying is that, if the hurricane had been named GABRIEL, the Lord's munificence would have delivered the coast of North Carolina from the peaceful resolution it wound up with and put that foul, besmirched, near-Yankee state to the divine test of God's wrath, the cleansing gale-force winds of His love! It is only through trial and suffering that we grow! Therefore, the more suffering we receive, the more we are loved by God! Unless you are gay. And then, any suffering you receive is your own fault! You all know my position on the homosexual agenda and I'm not talking about their 2:30 appointment for a facial! HAR!

What's worse, Hurricane Gabrielle is now a Tropical Depression. Well well well, do we need more evidence!? The metaphor is perfect, for as women grow older they too fall into frequent depressions. Case in point, every woman that has ever had any major role in my life has suffered from near-constant and severe depressions! Several have attempted suicide! Either that or they've subIimated their concerns and projetced their own self hatred onto others... as a woman should!

I know I don't need to say it for this audience, but please, if you have any pull with those secular meteorological loonies, please beg them to remember that destruction is a man's work, not a woman's! So unless future hurricanes will be delivering interior design secrets and fresh-cooked rhubarb pie (my mouth is already watering!), then hurricanes should always be named after a man!

!

From my research, I discovered that the original Chinese authority in charge of handling this infestation was at first going to use what he described as "ear to the grindstone, working class" eagles and foxes. "You know, the kind of eagle or fox who knows his place, won't make any waves." The failure of that plan led to his discharge and the subsequent hiring of his old rival from Top Gun Rodent Control Academy, whose name translates to Maverick Great Many Loose Cannon Joy Time...or MavGreMenLooCanJoyTim for short. MavGreMenLooCanJoyTim was of course the one to set in motion the latest plan but was unavilable for a quote due to his participation in a homoerotic volleyball tournament.

However, such simple solutions usually have complex consequences. While eagles and foxes may seem like a blessing now, one day the Chinese will find themselves in a very familiar predicament, complaining about a rampant eagle and fox infestation. And then with what super predator will they solve that problem? It would have to be more agile, more intelligent, faster, and more terrifying hunter than either an eagle or a fox...but unleashing a creature like that would be unthinkable. And considering that Man has never been known for his prudent and conservative use of science as a weapon, I fear it is only a matter of time before the Chinese set loose the dreaded jet-powered Trebekian Spider Shark.

Question: What you should be doing for if you are caught by a jet-powered Trebekian Spider Shark.
Answer: What is praying it kills you quickly?

The "A Celebration of Backgammon" lunch box.

Your days of being the periphery of attention are over! By sporting the powerfully aphrodisiacal image of a backgammon board on your lunchbox, you've all but consumated the act of getting to first base. But wait...open it up so she or he can see the thermos with a giant checker for a screw-top, and, well, let's just say you'll be taking the afterschool bus home. Cause chances are, with this lunchbox, you'll have earned enough pips to occupy his/her blot all afternoon long...or until your mom shows up. BACKGAMMON!

"Old People: The Lunchbox"

All the fun of the elderly every lunch hour!

We're used to seeing elderly people IN boxes, not on the covers of them. Well, the new "OLD PEOPLE" lunchbox gets all up in your face with its firm stance on Lean Cuisines (pro), its unwaveringly cool attitude about naps, and the always popular and wicked sweet "shawl" look! Now at lunch, you can eat like a real kid or pretend to be old and just "take a few bites" and excuse yourself to go watch the PGA Masters Tournament.

"GLORY DAYS" lunchbox.

Complete with Shattered Dreams thermos shaped like a real business-lunch martini glass!

The "Sean Crespo Will Teach You Webslinging" lunch box.

Sean's obsession with Spiderman comes full circle with his own line of must-have cafeteria paraphenalia.

The lunchbox is also now available with nap-time "Sean and Melinda break-up"-themed quilt for younger students, featuring Sean's other non-Spiderman obsession, his ex-girlfriend Melinda. Downy soft from the cotton-tear blend of fabric used in its manufacturing, there's no subsititute. There's only one so hurry up and order.

Anyway, I had brought with me a copy of the NY TIMES and had been reading a front page obituary titled "Brooke Astor, Wry Aristocrat of the People, Is Dead at 105."

Beside the fact that few if any socialites are ever described as "of the people" let alone "wry," John and I were having a hoot discussing the Astor family history. It turns out the Astors made their initial money from fur trading. I think our shared thought was that "fur trading" was such an anachronistic path to wealth, the Times may as well have said that the Astors made their original fortune in, well, steam.

Photo by Mindy Tucker, drinkatwork.com's resident photomancer.

John and I then had a fun conversation (that I think went pretty much like this) where we pretended to be an interviewer speaking to the heir to the "(insert wealthy sounding name) Steam Billions."

"So your family made its fortune in steam?"

"No it isn't, is it?"




So that was fun.

Number of those placed by mouths or breasts on advertisements: 3

Number of facial hair recreations (includes mustaches AND beards) I saw today drawn on advertisements posted on New York subway platforms: 14

Number of those on faces: 9

Number of Naked Cowboys seen on trip including stops from 57th Street to 23rd Street: 2*

Number of times I was almost hit by cabs: 3

Number of times I was offered literature about "the glorious white race": 1

Number of dogs seen carried in backpacks or front-side baby slings: 5

Number of times businesswomen in a rush who sarcastically said, "Excuse meeeeeeee," trying to get around me or other pedestrians: an astounding 6

Number of children who waved because they recognised me from when I was a manny: 2

Number of times I almost bought schwarma: 10

Number of old acquaintances who once ran an Onion-style fake newspaper in boston called the WEEKLY WEEK and who now work as an editor for Harper's Magazine: 1

Number of old tv theme songs stuck in my head: 1 (it's the one to What's Happenin')

Number of vlogs I'm behind on: 2

Number of Bratz the world needs: 0

Number it has: 4

Number of times I used the word "numinous" today: 2

Number of working toilets in this coffee shop whose name rhymes with "Martuck's": 1

Number of drunk, over 60, homeless people in it: 2

Number of grunts I hear from within per minute: 15

Number of Martuck's employees ignoring the aging, homeless-person boinking taking place all over the bathroom: 5

Number of seconds from now I'll be leaving: 1

* I'm not sure if the original is aware of the knock off strutting about pretending to be him-but then, prehaps Naked Cowboy Enterprises LLC is hiring. Who knows. Naked Cowboys work in mysterious ways.

Above: Dan Curry, holodeck comedian, available for holodeck weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

And what questions did he ask? Here's one of the shinier gems: "How do I feel about the Murdoch takeover?”

And what answer did he give?: “There is no question Rupert will be the boss.”

Well, it's good to know that rich people and the shallow, middle-class cashletes sympathizing with them are in good, pliant hands. I'm sure the information they'll be receiving won't be skewed at all.

Murdoch takes seat and addresses editors at weekly story meeting:

Rupert: "I want to run a piece on how the New York Times is responsible for stealing bone marrow from dying children."

WSJ Reporter: "Wait!"

Rupert: "What?"

WSJ Reporter: "Is that true?"

Rupert: "Define truth."

WSJ Reporter: "Ok. Well, truth is--"

Rupert: "Uh uh uh...according to the Wall Street Journal's new interoffice Information Acquisition Relevance memo. Page 410, Paragrach C. Start over. Truth is..."

WSJ Reporter: (opens encyclopedia-sized memo, sighs, reads) "Truth is an ambiguous and misleading word. The situation specific definition of 'truth' is therefore left to the discretion of the board..."

Rupert: "Which consists of?"

WSJ Reporter: "Mr. Murdoch."

Rupert: "AND?"

WSJ Reporter: (really sighs this time) "And his pet turtle, Greenback."

Rupert: "Excellent. Moving on...where are we with the Wall Street Journal Cures Sadness story for Hannity and goddamnit where are Greeny's fly crackers?"

AND SCENE.

The most hilarious part of the process is that the take over agreement stipulates that the editorial pages of the WSJ are off-limits to Murdoch. What a relief! The ideologically far-right pundit columns of the Journal are safe from the pragmatically far-right musings of Rupert. Free Market Ideologues VS Free Market Utilitarian--it would have made a shambles of such a venerable voice of the people. Rich people everywhere would be confused on exactly what to complain about was holding them down that week.

God, can't we just let the wealthy prosper once in a while! I mean, it's going to trickle down on the poor anyway, showering us with the divine scraps from the table of the propserous, so what's the big deal? Gosh! People, huh?!

To quote from Murtaugh: "Man, I'm getting too old for this shit."

Humbly Yours,

William Randolph Murdoch

In order to assure he doesn't receive any pleasure from the procedure which would then qualify as Biblical cause for his soul to suffer eternal torment in the Lake of Fire, he will be sedated, and thence, safe from any claim made by angels against him during Judgment that a conscious Bush may have been, if even for a moment, a homosexual.

Furthermore, as required by the Constitution if and when a president is incapacitated, Executive power will be transferred to Vice President Cheney while Bush is undergoing his examination. Under a different, less "Nero"-esque administration, I might not be so concerned. However, two circumstances have me somewhat on edge. After a little research I discovered:


1. Cheney has asked that the medical procedure take place in a wooded area nearby which he will at that time coincidentally be engaged in a quail hunt.

2. Cheney has a bill ready to send to the floor of both Houses while Bush is out. The Bill?

We had a good run, America.

This morning I woke up from a dream where a man was standing over me screaming “Freedom!” over and over again. All the women around him wewre sporting blonde bobs. Then they and hundreds of ancient, liver-splotched man-creatures came pouring out of a large white building. They all began pushing a 100-foot Bible over, and as it fell it knocked over and crushed every living thing in its path. The man began smirking and chuckling and there was a map behind him, the countries upon which he'd labeled in crayon, mispelling every single one except Canada...but even then, the Canada label was scrawled over where Mexico should have been, and Mexico was where Massachusetts should have been.

I'm sure it means nothing and does not reflect upon any events or situations in the real world. Heaven forfend. But it did get me thinking. If even the truly evil people of the world have a role to play...then who am I to shirk my duties? Therefore it is with humility and grace that I offer you these new links as part of our Favorite Fridays.

Beside, why waste your time trying to implement social change in a society of people who don’t want to think for themselves? Your time would be better spent on something you have more control over… like surfing the net and eating high carb snacks while sitting in a chair covered in cat fur.

I'm of course just speaking about a friend of mine. Who is not me. Because I partake in a fulfilling and highly desirable lifestyle.

So at the count of three, let’s all get together and put an end to war and then click these links shall we?

One… two… three…



Blip.TV

Brightcove’s Funny Category

Home Star Runner

Joey & David

Dead Frog

Happy Friday,

CJ Arabia

Editorial and Community Manager www.DotComedy.com

If you don't, well, here's the skinny: They're a hilarious English sketch group who had a short lived show on Comedy Central a year or two back. Had the show-development culture over there been a little less "lowest common denominator"-y and let the boys do the kind of comedy they wanted, HM would have stood a chance of being the next Kids in the Hall.

As it was, though still replete with some solid gags, the show's comedy was sapped of most of its intrinsic Englishness and redirected by CC executives toward more of a "Man Show" sensibility.

Anyway, besides being a fan of this hilarious sketch group who have yet to be given their full due here in the states, I also went to drama school with one of the members, David Armand, perhaps best known (and I'm sure at this point he's completely over doing the bit) for a performance art miming of the lyrics for Natalie Imbruglia's TORN.

Fortunately the boys have been hard at work in their posh London flats (a "flat" translates literally to "lorry" here in the U.S.) and are soon to present their latest offering in the form of season two of their on-going BBC radio show...which is to be recorded live. Not sure if you'd be into a live radio recording? Then just remember that England gave the world the Goon Show, so if anyone can make radio live these days...it's going to be an English sketch group with some chops in the non-visual comedy field. And your best bet for that? The Hollow Men.

Here's the info and invite from the guys themselves:

We're recording a new series of our sketch show for Radio 4, and would be very happy indeed if you could come and be part of the audience.

We're doing three dates - the 30th of July, and the 6th and 21st of August. They all start at 7.15 and they're all taking place at the brand spanking new(ish) Radio Theatre at the Beeb. (Those of you who came to the recordings last year will be pleased to hear that, unlike the Drill Hall, the Radio Theatre has air conditioning. This means that no-one will sweat themselves to death this year, hopefully).

It's going to feature loads of new characters and a bunch of old favourites, as well as a veritable bran-tub of jokes about death, jealousy, obsession and minor field sports. At least, it will when we've written it.

You can apply for tickets and get all the info at: www.bbc.co.uk/tickets

Or by calling: 0870 9011227

It would be great to see you there. You can even come to all three if you're keen or weird.

xoxo,
The HM

Name: The Hollow Men - Radio 4 Recordings
Tagline: ...and this is the second one...
Host: The Hollow Men
Type: Music/Arts - Performance
Time and Place Date: Monday, August 6, 2007
Time: 7:15pm - 10:00pm
Location: BBC Radio Theatre, Broadcasting House
Street: Portland Place
City/Town: London
Contact Info Phone: 08709011227

Oh really, Prime, are we? Are we "MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE?" Is it because humans and Autobots really aren't so different? Is it because sometimes even we humans have to fight our own personal Decepticons, just on the inside? You're right, O.P.

So listen, can I help you refuel your ship so you can get back to your home planet of Cheesedickatron?

I hear it's in the Bay Galaxy, the one shaped like a giant celestial turd.